My existence in 2021 is something I’m beginning to understand. I’ve completed my second degree at the end of 2020, and I’ve officially reached the end of my first internship. The person that I was for the last four years had a college student routine, and when that faded away, I started to feel lost, and even borderline useless. That feeling is counterintuitive given my productivity. There has been movement and growth career wise which I should be somewhat content with, however this distance between my end goal and the my current position is is a thought that obstructs my the stimulus for my progress.

All this then lead to introspection around my personal feelings when it comes to pilgrimage, change, growth and even mental stability. I had to take a step back and assess my situation and then appropriately acknowledge my achievements which I never really celebrated. 

The first few months have tested my mind, my heart and my overall security, and the shadow of sleep, among other vices, have loomed over it all to muffle the severity of the experience.

Now that I’ve come to notice changes and put both hands on the wheel once again, I look forward to seeing what the rest of 2021 is as a woman who aspires to be a self-sufficient adult. 

I am able to claim a sense of victory after perceiving many events in the past as failures, after the reveal of what life had in store for me. 

I haven’t even mentioned the fact that we are still enduring a never ending global pandemic, which plays into every aspect of how I’ve had to process this chapter of my life. 

My life is just a series of moments where I reinvent myself. At this point in my life, I’m finding the changes difficult, knowing that the outcomes of my decisions are now mine to own. And when they are negative, you then begin a new process of self-criticism to self-deconstruction meaning that the reinvention seems to require more effort in construction. After being constructed by God, then by my mother, then by my father, by the teachers, sensei’s, coaches, lecturers and leaders; I must now construct the adult assigned to my destiny.